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the girl who hates the past
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| it's easier when no place feels like home |
[16 Apr 2002|09:40pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Midtown...Surprised? |
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I don't understand myself, so how do I expect anyone else to understand me?
I don't think they do.
Is it normal to feel sad, or distressed, without a reason or a cause? There isn't anything wrong. So I'm not lying when I say that. I think...
At least I don't know if there's anything wrong. I don't know if I have a problem. I don't even know if I'm mentally aware of everything and everyone around me at the moment. I don't think I'm comprehending anything thats been occuring in my life. And why that is, I have absolutely no clue.
I wouldn't say I was completely fine before a certain person came waltzing back into my life. But I definitely wouldn't say I got better when they did make such a sudden reappearance. I've confused myself, let alone everyone else. Why the hell can't I just be his friend? Thats all I want. At least thats all I think I want. Thats all he seams to want either. All he wants, is to be my best friend. But i can't even think about him without feeling completely...unexceptable. I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm not good enough for anything. I feel so fucking cliche' and it makes me even more frustrated. I'm not the type who gets worked up over a boy. Over a fucking GUY who I havent even SEEN in 5 months because he left, and didnt even say good bye...So now I'm supposed to bring back all the trust and the care I had in me from before, and expect things to be normal? Hell, am I supposed to just fight myself off for the next days, weeks, months that we actually have contact, till he fucks up again and completely dissapears again for however long? I can't tell myself I don't deserve it for much longer. Sooner or later, It wont work anymore.
I hate to make it sound like he's the biggest ass in the world, because he's not. I used think he was. But I think what I knew before, was all just a part of this superficial image that he put on himself, to keep from being hurt, like all the times and all the people he subconciously hurt by doing so. I think I let him get to me, and get inside my head. He said he cared (and I suppose still does) about me so much. More than anybody else. I was his best friend and I was the one he felt he could tell anything to. Even all those times when I sat and listened to his problems and the things he wanted, when they were the total opposites of my feelings that I kept bottled up inside. All those times when we sat at that lunch table with him leaned up against me while he talked about how much he liked this chick and that chick and how "hot" they were, I just smiled and teased him and told him how much of an ass he was, when the whole time I was subconciously thinking, "Why can't you just break through your thick skull and say that about me?". I wasn't aware then how I felt about the whole situation. I didnt know that I liked him so much. I convinced myself I wasnt jealous whenever hed flirt with other chicks and act like such a bastard to me. I just believed I was mad because he acted different and "blew me off". Yeah that was part of it some of the time, but in reality I was lying to myself because I really was plain and simply jealous. I had two different people inside my head, one who liked him so much and loved being able to just have his attention and be the only one he cared for at the moment, and the other just wanted to be his friend and didnt care about other people being around. In the end, it really fucked me up and I still have the bruises and the scars from it. But now I think I've got new ones. And it hasn't even been 3 days.....
I'm going to see Midtown in 2 weeks. And this summer, I was supposed to be surprised with Warped Tour tickets for my birthday....Im smiling really I am.
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| Indifferent to myself The claustraphobic clinic put my mind on the shelf. |
[11 Apr 2002|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Pretend That We're Dead ~ L7 |
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Hi...
Um. So things are weird.
I was thinking. I know I know, SURPRISE...
but its tricky.
There are so many people who I used to be so close to and who I used to care about so much, and usually didn't go more than a few days without talking to them...
who I haven't even spoken to in over a month.
It makes me sad. I don't like loosing people for no reason. I don't like not talking. I don't like feeling alone when in reality i'm not really. I hate loosing so much when everyone else seams to be thinking Im gaining the world...
Kat and I went and read greeting cards in walgreens at 9 o'clock last night for about a half hour when we were only supposed to be in there 5 minutes. We bought random ones for a few people who shall remain nameless, but Im sure if they read this they'll know its them Im talking about. Who said a card has to make sense to make someone smile?
I notice, my journals are never typical. They don't make sense unless Ive talked to you about them before I write them. They've changed a lot from what they used to be. Ive been told I have too. I guess so...God why am I so fucking random? My attention span has changed too..
I hate cliques...I don't really know how to answer why. I just hate them. I dislike the way people classify other people into groups of friends whether theyre total strangers or even best friends. I don't classify myself. People do it to me. Why? Can't answer that either...
I slipped on the steps at Magens pool when it was raining. I fell, nearly cracked my lower lower back bone, scraped my hand, gashed my little toe out. Im so prone to clutsy-ness. My effing...Not God. Im not saying that anymore for reason I dont know it just doesnt seam right. But moving back to my fall since im changing subjects again, people laughed and I laughed too just so I wouldn't feel the pain. It hurt. A lot. But ray~ray's too tough for that. Its just a little cut and a bruise. Get over it...
Hmm how many awkward subjects can I cover in just 1 entry? I dont know im making up for lost time. What to do this weekend? Um..sleep. I really must practice that. Im loosing the skill. I've found a new found respect for the word Insomniac...
OK so one last thought. If the person this last message is addressed to is reading this, even though we're not sure we have your real address anymore and we're too dumb to ask, we're going to put this card in the mail. Hope you enjoy it. I miss being friends. Its understandable why its one of those not-really-but-kinda-are-even-though-we-dont-talk friendships though. Hope life treats you good.
This is just stupid now. Good bye...
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| dun dun dun weekend blues... |
[19 Mar 2002|06:17pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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jimmy jimmy (coco puff...) EAT WORLD ~sweeeeetness... |
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fucknugget...geezus. You spend 2 days at Erins house and what happens?! Everybody starts fighting. My effin lord...While I was becoming part of Erin's family against my will (taha i have 3 sets of parents now my god...), Jonathen was causing trouble. Bad boy. Bad bad boy. im kidding of course, but yes. my oh my what insane happenings occured. the drama has subsided now but its amazing how much a chick can miss in a weekend. While erin and I were living through our own hell(the concert...*skin crawl*) all my buddies got mixed up in a horrible springer episode. crazy. some boys bring nothing but evilness..others are tolerable and they make me smile...but most of them suck. Thats right, suck...Maybe we should all just resort to homasexuality so we understand eachother better...or maybe not cause thats probably the best part...screw the past! future: hit me with your best shot!
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| ahah score. |
[19 Jan 2002|02:08pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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Forget You ~ Mest |
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Take the Which Good Charlotte Member Are You? Quiz
yeeah buddy. Billy rocks my socks. Hes a sweetheart. Aanywhoo nothings important today. Its 2 in the afternoon and i havent eaten at all yet. kat and kathy are dieing eachothers hair at kathys house and im stuck here bored-er than all hell. Yep my life is grand. im out to go do more of nothing.
::end fineto::
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| off to the show |
[08 Dec 2001|11:19am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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sugarcult |
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Yes yes it is today. Ive got all the guys bracelets and all the other junk were taking. Im too happy about this. Its probably not healthy. 3 bands, 12 insanely talented not to mention hot guys all in one cramped tiny little club like venue place. Its beautiful. Im gonna be in pure heaven. Not to mention the guys in the audience will probably be so incredibly great. Geez. how I heart concerts.
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| holy emolicious... |
[14 Nov 2001|08:33pm] |
table width="200" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5">
<tr>
<td align="center">
I am 52% EMO.
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</tr>
<tr>
<td align="left">
Emo Kid.
Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.
Take the EMO Test at Fuali.com!
</td>
</tr>
</table>
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| heh i may be 46% "punk" but im still..dun dun dun..Dorkalicious! |
[22 Oct 2001|09:24pm] |
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mood |
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*All-Star Me* ~ STD |
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yep yep. It is true. I will never out grow my dorkalicious title no matter what label i conquer next(heh if i conquer any...). Im actually kinda suprised at my little result thingy. I figured it'd be a lot lower. I don't claim to be punk or anything like that. Sure i've got many "punk" friends I guess you could call them, and I enjoy a lot of the music, but I don't go out, get fried on acid and beer, puke on a police car, beat the shit out of the sheriff, spend the night in jail, and call it a good night. Yeah it might be a real riot of fun but it isnt exactly what I would call a "good time". Call me a goodie goodie, a poser, call me what you will. I'll continue to be my self and hold on to my own views and thats something that will never be trampled.
Wow that sounded all sophisticated and stuff..haha dude what is with me and all this smartness lately? Odd things..Must be the time change. Heh. Ok well I'm about done I guess. Nothing much happened today. Things were pretty boring.. Okie doke. Bai bai birdie.
~the one and only Dorklicious Ray signing off...
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| heh i may be 46% "punk" but im still..dun dun dun..Dorkalicious! |
[22 Oct 2001|09:24pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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*All-Star Me* ~ STD |
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yep yep. It is true. I will never out grow my dorkalicious title no matter what label i conquer next(heh if i conquer any...). Im actually kinda suprised at my little result thingy. I figured it'd be a lot lower. I don't claim to be punk or anything like that. Sure i've got many "punk" friends I guess you could call them, and I enjoy a lot of the music, but I don't go out, get fried on acid and beer, puke on a police car, beat the shit out of the sheriff, spend the night in jail, and call it a good night. Yeah it might be a real riot of fun but it isnt exactly what I would call a "good time". Call me a goodie goodie, a poser, call me what you will. I'll continue to be my self and hold on to my own views and thats something that will never be trampled.
Wow that sounded all sophisticated and stuff..haha dude what is with me and all this smartness lately? Odd things..Must be the time change. Heh. Ok well I'm about done I guess. Nothing much happened today. Things were pretty boring.. Okie doke. Bai bai birdie.
~the one and only Dorklicious Ray signing off...
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| ::Unfinished Poem:: |
[16 Oct 2001|05:53pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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Big Truck ~ Coal Chamber heh.. |
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Write a million poems;
Kill a thousand trees,
Just to make the paper
Where I write thoughts such as these..
Insist I'm just a child,
trying to break free;
Insist I'm just a little girl;
There are things you just don't see.
What's wrong with being different,
when everyone's the same?
What's wrong with having different views?
Why try to place a blame?
If everyone is special,
and everyone's unique,
then why is weirdness such a crime?
It's time we've reached our peak.
bleh its not done yet..i gotta finish later but its hard. I cant thinks of anything. Just got a major case of writers block..bleh..
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[16 Oct 2001|05:32pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Big Truck ~ Coal Chamber heh.. |
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Write a million poems;
Kill a thousand trees,
Just to make the paper
Where I write thoughts such as these..
Insist I'm just a child,
trying to break free;
Insist I'm just a little girl;
There are things you just don't see.
What's wrong with being different,
when everyone's the same?
What's wrong with having different views?
Why try to place a blame?
If everyone is special,
and everyone's unique,
then why is weirdness such a crime?
It's time we've reached our peak.
bleh its not done yet..i gotta finish later but its hard. I cant thinks of anything. Just got a major case of writers block..bleh..
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| wooh.. |
[08 Sep 2001|01:38pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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MeSt ~Hotel Room! ( : |
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Today I have an eye exam because i can't see the bored in Biology. Bleh..I hate biology. It's causing many problems. I do believe this day might suck...It's already very boring. I wanna go somewhere. Well I am going somewhere with my parents but I would much rather go with my friends. It's just so boring..Hmmf. Maybe something cool will happen to make up for all the crap thats happened the past like 2 days. Theyve basically sucked major ass. I find out 2 of my best friends are both obsessed with the same guy as me(which wasn't that bad. I dont really care) but now I found out that Nick(the boi...hmmf) likes Kathy(one of my friends who likes him..) So now, they like eachother. And Im assuming theyre gonna go out soon. I really dont blame them, but I can't help feeling like crap over it. It's just not fair. But it never is and Ive gotten used to that. Soo...*deep sigh* Hmmf I'll get over it. Life goes on. I dont really care. So im gonna go find something to do. Maybe write a poem or rock out to some Mest.. Im all alone in this hotel room..Woo. Alrighty. Bai bai.
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| I hate being bored, tired yet awake, anxious and just a teensy bit hyper at the same time...! |
[05 Sep 2001|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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"Short Skirt Long Jacket" by Cake(dunno why..i just like it) |
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Hola..I'M SO BLAH! Thats right. I am just feelin all funny tonight. Im bored. Im tired but I'm not really sleepy. I'm reeally anxious for some reason but I don't really wanna go to school tomorrow(biology. bleh...) Hmmf. I don't know whats wrong with me. Just one of those days I guess...NO not one of THOSE DAYS! But one of those weird days where your just confused and feeling weird for some unknown reason.
Hmmmmmm...whats there to talk about? Today, the boi in my guitar class who's really really cute and nice came over and sat with me. It was so fun. His name is Daniel. I was being fought over as whose best friend I am! Heh I felt special.. It was so nice. But hmm, there isn't much else to say. Tomorrow is Kait's bass lesson I'm going to with her. It shall be great fun..Hehe. I'm kinda sort of nervous but not really. Tomorrows the JV game too. And, and, Nick's(my nick..) "Girlfriend" is gonna be there. Just because he sort of seamed like he was rubbing that in my face, I dunno if I want to go very much. I might if we get home in time..In the back of my mind I'm praying to god shes oogly as fuck. If she is my mind will be rested for awhile. Hmm so..Guitar is fun. Bois are confoosing but where would I be w/o them. School is annoying and exhausting. Poetry is a breakthrough. My parents are too pushy. My friends are my only medicine. And thinking only brings headaches. Thats why I try not to do it(which sometimes I do too well...heh) Ok I'm done. Bai bai Journal.
Nick wrote a song for her ...it was about penguins...
!~*Ray*~!
You can say im a pug. You can say im a slug..
But hey im just me.
And nobody understands ME
~*my silly silly boi nick*
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| Wow...Me first entry. |
[02 Sep 2001|02:49am] |
I've descovered something fun! This is very nifty. Finally somewhere, besides my poetry journal that my mom always snoops in, to vent at! Yay yay. This shall be quite interesting. SO hmm where shall I start.
My name would be Rachel aka Ray and I'm a 14, going on 5, year old girl from Brandon, Florida. I'm just one of those little middle class, central subburbia children who are expected to have good lives and be happy and all that b/s when theyre really just depressive little emo children who have been brain washed so bad by their parents, they don't know who to believe anymore. Yes I believe that might describe me well. These past few years, my life has been nothing but a big mixed up bowl of leftover spaghetti that nobody wants anymore..Ha that made a lot of sense. But what I mean is, my life hasn't exactly been picture perfect how people would like to see it. It's actually a lot more stressful than most adults would like to admit. Obviously, by the time a person reaches middle age, the memories of being a teenager have totally packed their bags and moved cross country. Which is definately something that annoys the hell out of me. MOvie line that describes what i mean- "Obviously doctor, you have no idea what it's like to be a 14 year old girl." ~Virgin Suicides. Yeeah. Such a true statement. SOooo, anywhoo..THat's life. Yeah yeah. As annoying as it is, it does have it's up points. Some of those points just happened to be named Nick, Daniel, Mat, Joel, Billy, Benji, Paul, Brett, Steve, Deryck, Jay and umm...Abunch of other reeally hot bois, who make it worth while. LoL im such a pathetic dork. But oh well. It makes life fun to be a dork sometimes. SOo..i'm thinking this might be enough useless crap for my very 1st entry into MY journal! WOo that was refreshing. Poor benji and his "apple juice" that turned out not to be "apple juice". It wasn't refreshing..haha off topic. Whoops. Ok well I'm gonna go now. By bye journal. I <3 you.
Nick wrote a song for her ...it was about penguins...
!~*Ray*~!
You can say im a pug. You can say im a slug..
But hey im just me.
And nobody understands ME
~<Just another luvable luv song...
*my silly silly boi nick*
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